Bleeding scars.

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Bernard

Bernard had a lot on his mind to say that day
But for the shame of it
He wasn't going to speak to his father face to face
 
And so he pulled out his phone
It was time for him to face his mess
But he'd be doing it only through text
 
Dear dad,
he writes
I.. I am gay
But I am not happy and proud to say this to you over a text message
But I sincerity hope that you could hear the sincerity of my broken heart i am broken too just like you are today hearing my truth
But unlike you
I have been heart broken a million times over
I have been torn apart for years and years to find out what i have become
My years of anguish are so far that i cannot recall
 
Dad it was my fifth birthday
Mum had her hands too busy in the kitchen making the cake
And you were all smiles hanging decorations for the day
 
My little party guests and i danced and played around and around like kids would do
 
Be careful not to hurt yourself
A call from behind
But
It wasn't you
It wasn't mummy too
It was him
Uncle Tosin
The one with scanty beard on his chin
The one you always sang the song
“when will you marry” to
“Come with me I have something to show you “
“I have a gift for you”
I was an inquisitive child
You know I was inquisitive dad
And so in his hand,  he took my little hands
And led my little feet
Down into the guest room
“close your eyes”
“this gift is a surprise”
He said to me
I closed them
For what was I to do
For all I was, was a child eager to see what he had wrapped somewhere
I have a gift for you
I was an inquisitive  child
You know i was
And so in his hand he held my little hand
And led my little feet
Down into the guest room
 
Close your eyes
This gift is a surprise
He said to me
I did as he said for I was eager to see
 
Promise not to tell anyone
This gift is a secret that only you and I should share
I promised, for what was I to do,
for I was just a child eager to see what he had hidden somewhere
 
Open your mouth he said
He said
You have such beautiful lips
He said
Promise,  promise to keep this safe
He said
Before I could say a word
I felt his lips pressed against mine
And his tongue
Forcing its way into my little mouth
It was disgusting
But what was I to do
For I was only a child who stood there confused
Overwhelmed  by the tides of uncertainties
My curiosity couldn’t  hide my fears I shook within my knees
I prayed
I prayed that your voice would call out my name and save the day
But all I heard was silence
Nothing.
Calm down Bernard
He said to me
You are beautiful beyond description
He said to me
Let me calm you down
He said to me
Unzipping his trousers
Taking me by the hand and making me touch him
He made me touch something that once upon a time I felt was only for passing out urine
But who lied
Because that day he showed me it was for pleasure too
See he touched me, he touched me in ways I had never been touched before
At first it was disgusting
But after time and time again
I began to enjoy it
I began to long for it
And as we as kids grew older
And our desires for sex soared
My case became different
For when boys like me saw boys
I saw girls
When boys like me longed to kiss girls
I longed to kiss boys
See I wanted it to go away
I prayed for it to go away
I even cut myself with a knife to see if this demon would bleed away
But NO
this was me
This is me
See, this message is not to lay aspersions or blame blames
No.
Because Uncle Tosin he died many years ago from HIV and AIDS
But this message is to let you know
That I will be getting married soon
In the UK
His name is Tom
And unlike me,
He says he was born this way.

Copyright: Philip Asaya.

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