I promised I’d let myself cry
whenever I needed to
and it took this decision to help me realize
Tears aren’t enough
Growing up, I cried a lot
from pain, more emotional than physical
I always cried.
This might’ve been okay, maybe
but I’m a boy and I’ve come to learn that
it is never okay when a boy cries
especially from the pain that isn’t life-threatening
When emotions flood your brain
and leave your thoughts soggier
than tea-soaked bread,
You hope the tears that leak out
Will be enough for you to drown in
(at least, I do. I’ve never been able to cry me a river)
Instead, I find a little pond
filled with piranha-esque thoughts
nibbling at my paper body.
I eventually fold this body of mine
(or what’s left of it)
into a boat that I hope will float away
in an attempt to lose myself.
But this thin canoe of mine has no traction
and it soaks and sinks in my pond
buried beneath the tears that should’ve kept it afloat.
When you cry so much, you hope
that these tears mean more
than bleeding emotions and escaping the pain
You hope you can freeze them and play Eskimo
in little igloos of redemption
Or get swept away (or drown) in an overwhelming flood
or float at the very least, but I sink.
The harder I try to make sense of them, in themselves
The more I find that these drops mean nothing to me
and much like my self-esteem,
they always fall short of my expectations
I learned eventually to just let them be
When the emotions come and the tears ensue
I let them flow freely
Rather than fight with broken arms
or try to make existential sense of it
(with a broken mind)
I let the tears flow free in ways
that expectations and burdens never let me
and while they flowed,
became mine too.