We ended up not meeting; I called her 30mins after the time we agreed and she told me she slept off, which actually got me sad. Especially when Lami called me to tell me that they just landed in Lagos and that they were having fun, she even gave the phone to Elvis who spent a minute telling me what I was missing.


Lami wanted me to be jealous which I was far from, but the fact that she made the attempts thinking I was with some girl actually got me jealous.  I looked around Buka 7 and saw a couple eating, I walked up to the counter and paid for their food, and then I fell in love with my bed – after I fed Wresley. The week that followed was one of my worst in UNIBEN.


I woke up that Monday with a funny feeling, the same funny feeling that always landed me in the hospital. I couldn’t stand up from the bed; I laid there hoping that I was going to stand up maybe. Lami was still angry with me so I was not surprised that she didn’t check on me that morning before going to class. She got back the night before and gave me gist of all that happened, but I refused to tell her what went down with me, which made her angrier. I knew she wanted a sincere apology; she wasn’t just going to get it that night.



I couldn’t be scared of not being able to stand up from bed for 4hours, I mean… these things were normal to me.


I looked up the wall clock and it was 11am, I needed to use the rest room and that was when I discovered that really, I could stand up. See… the truth is, Laziness and some android app developing tutorials kept me on my bed for hours but sometimes blaming MMD is fun I must admit.

The CBN had stopped trading forex so it was bad time for me, and there were too many people parading as programmers – Nigerians too like copy copy abeg – I was running out of my “self made” money and it seemed I had to drop my pride and delve into the account my Mum puts my monthly allowances in. I also thought about doing sport betting but I hated the fact that my favorite team (Man Utd) were dead!… Top of it was that I was having a funny feeling that could land me days on the hospital bed.

After dragging myself to the bathroom, I heard a knock on the door. “About time!!!!!!!” I screamed – in my head. I thought it was Lami but when I opened the door, a neighbor known for HER begging attitude stood there asking if I could give her my Gas cooker as she needed to warm her soup. I was too gentle a man to say no, and my Gas cooker was somewhat immobile, so I asked that she bring her soup to my kitchen to warm.


That was the first time someone apart from Lami entered my room, and she was wearing a BUM short, like it was so short it looked like pants, ripped pants – ok! enough. And don’t ask me her name because I seriously won’t use a fake name for her.


“Nice room, I like the setting” she said. I sat on my bed wondering how pathetic she was not to notice that I was the weakest human being on earth at that moment. She went about asking how I had light when there was no light anywhere and no sound of gen, I explained to her that I was using an invert-er and after I explained what an invert-er was, she freaking sat down on my chair. In short, I had to remind her that a soup was about to be burnt, hoping that she would leave after but she turned the cooker off and continued her chat sitting down!!!


“Yam and fried egg for lunch? U pay and I goan buy?… Plus u r cooking and ohh, I am in my room waiting for the money, anytime ur visitor leaves” a text message from Lami.

I knew she wouldn’t be angry with me for long and damn she probably got tired of eavesdropping.


“Code red!… I need ur help in my room ASAP please? Mission: displace someone?”  I replied her.

Lami got to my room 1minute after, freaking on time to stop what looked like an abuse of a good deed. She said Hi to Winifred (There! I said her name) and climbed my bed. Immediately, Winifred went to take her pot of soup and said she would see us later.


“I have to admit, she gat a nice Ass” Lami said – I think she was being sarcastic.

“Yeah!.. Lesbihonest, I like fair girls who aren’t ashamed of showing their black behind” I replied.

“Wait! That wasn’t sarcasm right? Because that so doesn’t portray bleaching, it’s like the norms” she said, with an intention of punching me but she noticed I was weak.

“chilax jare!… I spied through the key hole in your bathroom, it’s not that obvious” I said, mockingly.


Alright, lemme kuku explain that conversation. And I am even tired of writing in English language gan. Anyways, Lami was insinuating that Winifred had a small behind compared to hers, so I accused her of being a lesbian and she liking girls that bleach. She then said that was not a criterion of knowing people that bleached, that her own was like that. So before things got out of hand, I talk one kind stupid thing. Which was stupid Kwo?


Lami ended up cooking the yam and egg with her money while she played Mummy on me. I tried frustrating her with sarcastic words but she wouldn’t back down. Mum (my real Mama) called and I faked a sleeping voice. She promised to call back but she never did, which was a relief.



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